Harry Potter

I'm a huge Harry Potter nerd, but not in the way you'd expect - I've only read two of the books in the series and I've never been to a book release party, nor have I been to one of the movies on opening day.  However, my nerdiness regarding Harry Potter definitely comes into play when I admit the following:

• I have used HP spells to study for Latin exams (a lot of the spells are surprisingly accurate, in terms of their Latin translations)
• I own a shirt with the Hogwarts school crest on it.  Not only do I regularly wear this shirt with pride, but I have also worn it on a first date.
• I have actually been to Platform 9  3/4....it took my cousin and I an hour and a half of wandering around to find it, but still!
• I have been dying to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and if I decide to get married, I may just request that the honeymoon take place there...

Anyways, I found out that quite a few colleges have actual Quidditch varsity teams - which is pretty damn amazing...but it might also be pretty lame to watch their games, as it's just a bunch of kids on broom-like objects, running around after a guy dressed up as the snitch.  If that's the case, I could easily set up my own Quidditch team.  *adds to 'To Do' list*

By the way, I have taken this Sorting Hat quiz various times to see if I can fool it into thinking I belong to a different house, and no matter what I do, I'm still a Ravenclaw.  What about you guys?  Take the quiz here and let me know!

Vertical Comics

This isn't really a post, but I was so excited about this vertical comic that I created that I had to share it with you guys!

I pretty much died laughing, no big deal.

Critically Acclaimed Films I Didn't 'Get'

There's a saying that 'one fool makes many' - that is definitely true when on the topic of many questionable aspects of pop culture, such as boy bands, the whole vampire craze, and Pogs.  It's also true when it comes to critically acclaimed films.  Here are some that are completely lost on me:

Star Wars (all of them)
Instead of 'tl/dr' ('too long, didn't read'), for me it's 'tl/dw' ('too long, didn't watch').  Every time I sit down to watch a Star Wars film, I invariably end up fast asleep on the couch, and when I wake up, the movie will still be on!  The only way I can actually make it through one of these films is if I'm watching the Family Guy spoof...is that considered cheating?

Titanic  
I have to admit that I was obsessed with Celine Dion's theme song for this movie (I mean, who wasn't? AmIright?!), but I wasn't allowed to watch the movie when it first came out.  So when it finally premiered on cable, I sneakily watched it and was MEGA disappointed.  It felt like it was trying way too hard to be sentimental, and instead of pulling on my heart strings I was left completely indifferent.

Ben-Hur
This movie makes me lol SO much.  Why?  Because for one thing, they used a painting as the background and a bath tub as the ocean for one of the establishing shots when the slave ship is sailing across the stormy sea.  For another thing, the dude in the chariot racing scene actually died when they shot that scene - and they kept that scene in the movie! 
Above all else, the plot is sluggish and really boring - I really don't understand how it won 11 awards.  Seriously, w...t...f?

Avatar
I know that everyone will hate me for this, but I really didn't like this movie.  It just seemed like they took Pocahontas, set it in another planet, and added 3D technology. 
If you took away the cool 3D graphics, you'd be left with a pretty typical and predictable story of xenophobia and colonialism where the conflict lies in the central issue of following your heart vs. doing your duty.  And yet everyone and their mom was all "ZOMG DIS MOVIE IZ DA BEST EVAR!".

I bet every nerd now hates me for bashing Star Wars and Avatar, but you know what?  It's all good because it's not like I insulted Pokémon or Harry Potter - so chill out, you guys!

Fashion

My friend Michelle is always asking me to make this blog into a fashion blog;  as this will never happen, this post about fashion will hopefully appease her!

I love fashion - I really do - but I feel like a great percentage of the world's fashion designers take themselves far too seriously when they're designing their collections.  If you've ever read about the inspirations for some designers' collections, you'll see that they invariably include things like childhood nostalgia, Victorian lace, 1970s feminism, 1940s classic silhouettes, or futurism.  That's super, but there are times when I just want to see a haute couture ballgown that has the graphic of a Velociraptor emblazoned on the bodice and a bite mark in the crinoline skirt.

And with that rant, I bring you a list of things I would like to see fashion designers drawing inspiration from:

• Accordions
• Dinosaurs
• Gardening tools
• Industrial Revolution
• Medieval musical instruments

(GUYS, that list was totally in alphabetical order. HIGH FIVE!)

I know you fashion designers out there must be wondering, "These are marvelous suggestions, Giselle, but how will I ever work them into my designs?"  To this, I must respond with, "Lol, I dunno.  Figure it out."  In the immortal words of Tim Gunn, 'make it work'.

Gift giving

The culture of gift giving and its significance is wholly magnified when the holiday season approaches.  I know that it's only October, but on the weekend I started my Christmas shopping.  (I like to get it out of the way so I don't have to put up with the moronic tendencies of shoppers in December.  Don't judge me.)

I love giving gifts and seeing peoples' reactions when they open their presents - and yeah, getting presents is pretty sweet too - but the thing I hate is getting an unexpected gift from someone and you don't have a gift to give them in return.  I'll worry for days afterwards, wondering if the gift giver in question will hate me for not giving them a gift, so I will avoid them for a bit in hopes of escaping their judgment.  My mom always taught me that I should have 2 or 3 'spare presents' in case I ever received an unexpected gift so that I may avoid such an embarrassing situation, but here's the rub: in that scenario, no matter what you do, you look pretty sketchy. 

Why, you ask?  Because in this situation, you really only have 4 options to remedy the problem at hand:

1. You can whip out the spare present, but then you have to run and put a tag on the present to avoid suspicion.  OR in a case where the spare present already has a tag on it and you left the "To" part empty, you might have to pretend that your pen died right when you were writing that tag up.
2. You can whip out the spare present (without a tag) and laugh nervously as you hand over the present and explain, "Haha, we actually ran out of tags at the last minute, so there might be a bit of a  mix-up with your present.  Call me if this actually turns out to be a lifesize Pikachu doll, because....that's actually...mine."
3. If you don't have a spare present, you have to make up some dumb excuse as to why you need to leave RIGHT NOW (eg. "Sorry, Marge, I just remembered that my cat ate all of my budgies, and Wal-Mart is having this epic budgie sale that I simply canNOT pass up.  Toodles!"), and then you make a mad dash to the store to pick up the first passable gift.  Then, when you have the gift, you have to rush back to the gift giver and play it cool like nothing suspicious happened and casually give them your gift (eg. "False alarm!  That budgie sale is actually next week!  I love what you've done with the living room - oh, how silly of me! Here's your present before I forget again - Merry Christmas!")
4. If you don't have a spare present and you're in your own house, you may be forced to excuse yourself and rummage through your house for some non-descript item that your guest has never seen that may be able to be re-gifted.  When they ask you where you were, it may be necessary to make up a story about having explosive diarrhea - but at least you'll be off the hook.

Moral of the story: unless it's my birthday, please don't surprise me with presents or I'll be reduced to a panicky mess that has to make up really crappy excuses to escape the immense awkwardness.

People in Theatres

One thing that really bothers me is when people talk loudly in movie theatres.  I understand that there are times when it's absolutely necessary to tell your friends what's going on in the movie, or to tell your husband that you think you just shat yourself, BUT you need to realize that I just paid over $10 to see this damn movie and would like to get my money's worth!

Some might say that teens are the worst offenders, but I bet those people have never been to see a blockbuster in Jamaica.  I love my countrymen, but going to a movie there is damn near impossible for me because of how much they talk during the actual movie.
When I watched The Dark Knight in Jamaica, I could barely hear the dialogue because everyone and their mom was making snide remarks about how Batman must be gay, and making general asses out of themselves whenever something cool happened on the screen.  At one point (after it was clear that Harvey Dent was Two Face), someone in the audience actually screamed out, "IT'S TWOOO FAAACE!"

Also, almost every single time I see a kids' movie in Jamaica, I inevitably hear a little kid shout out, "You know I went to Burger King today and got a kids meal?!" right after watching the theatre's ad for Whoppers.  This kid will then continue to talk loudly about his kids meal for the duration of the movie, long after having viewed said ad.

Stories of people not shutting up during movies often make for hilarious memories, but it still doesn't make up for the fact that I had to pay more than $10 to see the movie and was originally annoyed with you; so please, be considerate and don't suck at life, ok? 

Beards

If you look at great men in history, you'll see that chances are they had a beard.  Abe Lincoln, Chuck Norris, Gandalf the Grey/White, DUMBLEDORE - they all had beards, and they all contributed a great deal to modern civilization. 

Now, I'm not the best at thinking logically, but it would stand to reason that these men would not be the same without their beards; and if they weren't the same as their bearded selves, they might not have accomplished their mighty feats.  Therefore, beards must be the secret behind their powers/awesomeness.

As I am not a hirsute or a bearded lady, my only options for obtaining this power are to: a) get a fake beard, or b) shave a guy's beard and glue it to my face.  The first option is kinda lame, so I think I'll go for the second one.  This may be tricky, but I'm sure I can effectively pull it off - I just need to get the guy super drunk, shave his beard and affix it to my visage, and BAM! I has super powers.

Let's do this.

Sexy Halloween Costumes

Once you hit puberty, Halloween becomes a primordial contest of sorts between you and your peers to see who can obtain the most suitors;  for girls, it's all about finding a costume that shows enough T&A to get the boys to come to the yard, and for dudes it's all about ogling the girls in their barely-there outfits because they can.  What's baffling is that girls who dress like this ALWAYS get offended when dudes look at them.

In light of this dilemma, I propose a bit of a change this year.  Here's my list for the sexiest Halloween costumes for the ladies that will effectively put your personality on display, rather than your body:

• Baby Bop from Barney & Friends
• A washing machine
• Domo
• An Orc
• An Uruk-hai
• Hagrid from Harry Potter

Now, ladies, you won't have to get upset when boys hit on you because you'll know that they're doing it because they're interested in your personality and not your body!  Have a safe Halloween!

Dreams

One of the most fascinating things in life (to me, at least) is dreams.  I love recording and telling people about my dreams, and for the most part, I love hearing about other people's weird dreams.  Dreams (not aspirations - strictly nighttime manifestations of the subconscious) are usually the biggest sources of teh lulz for me because the dreams that I have and/or hear about almost always make me go WTF.

Take this dream for instance: the other night, I dreamt that I was walking through a really mysterious forest and it was all misty and ominous.  The trees were covered in lianas and as I stumbled blindly through the fog, I started getting really anxious that I would never find my way out of there alive.  Then I remembered that I was really upset because my cell phone didn't have any reception, and so if my boyfriend was trying to get a hold of me, he would fail miserably.  I nearly tripped over a protruding root and found myself staring at the rear end of a unicorn.

This discovery almost made me forget about how upset I was - almost.  Just then, the unicorn turned around and I saw that it had a really awesome beard like my boyfriend's.
 


Kinda like that, but not really.  It looks more epic this way, though.



 My anxiety disappeared as I realized that the unicorn was my boyfriend, and he wouldn't be trying to text me because unicorns can't type with their hooves.  And so, I jumped on unicorn boyfriend's back and we rode away through the foggy forest in search of cake.



W...T...F?!  (if I had an interrobang, it would be used right now)

Family Blogs

I find family blogs really annoying.  I'm sorry if you randomly found this post and, as the author of a family blog, you are offended by this, but it's true.

I understand that you may live really far from your loved ones and blogging is the most convenient way to update them on how your family is, but at least make it a blog that's private and needs permission to be viewed.

There are so many times when I'll click the 'next blog' button on here and 90% of the blogs I'm lead to are family blogs.  Within minutes, I can learn all about your family's happenings and what your kids are like.  What if a perv finds your blog and starts fapping to stories of your 8 year old kid's slumber party?!  That's SO fucked up!  You might as well dress your kid up as a piece of meat and throw them into a shark tank - it's basically the same fate that they'll be met with. 

Also, just because you have kids and are a housewife doesn't automatically mean that people care about your domestic life - not many people care if you made carrot sticks and your toddler wanted cake instead.  (I mean, everyone knows that cake is better than carrot sticks - why are you making such a big deal about it?)

Do us a favour and please update the privacy settings of your blog - or, better yet, just splurge on the long-distance calls instead.  Kthxbai!

Autumn

Having grown up in a tropical setting, I never got to experience the joys that accompany the arrival of autumn; for me, there was no stepping on crunchy leaves or jumping into a big pile of dead leaves - it just didn't happen.  I mean, I always wanted to do it, but the opportunity never presented itself.

But then, the other day my sister was raking and I decided to completely forget my age and stomp through a big pile of dead leaves.  I pretended that I was a T-Rex, and I was stomping all over those leaves like it was no one's business!  OMG it was epicly fun!
Does this make me somewhat immature? Absolutely!  Am I ashamed of this?  Clearly not, as I am blogging about it.

For obvious reasons, I always think of Pooh Bear singing "A Rather Blustery Day" when autumn rolls around.  That song always gets stuck in my head, and then I remember that I don't know all of the words, so one verse ends up looping incessantly through my head and I have to listen to another song to rid myself of it.  Don't you hate when that happens?

Karaoke

Karaoke is absolutely magical regardless of how much alcohol you consume at the time: it quenches people's thirst for the spotlight without the commitment of signing onto a 5-record contract or a 3-legged world tour.  For a few minutes, you're the star of the show and if your insecurities should start to kick in, you won't have to worry about having a mental breakdown and becoming the next star of E! True Hollywood Story.  Why? Because after the song is done, you get to leave the stage and go back to your drinking games.  It's made of so much win.

However, I do have one grievance with karaoke: all of the songs available are very mainstream (ie not what I want to sing).  I'd much rather going up on stage to sing some Devendra Banhart or The Strokes, but they don't have them.  Instead, they have Celine Dion and Mariah Carey - which is cool, but not what I want.

If karaoke places would just add a few songs that I enjoy, I would be so grateful.  Mind you, the bar's patrons would forever be forced to hear me belt out the Pokemon theme song and the entire Sweeney Todd soundtrack, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make!

Fire Drills

I wasn't really an anxious kid - in fact, I think I was actually quite chill.  As far as I can remember, one of the very few things that really got me worried (aside from the prospect of a T-Rex coming to eat me while I was watching Kids WB) were fire drills.

My first fire drill was very traumatic as I thought it was the apocalypse.  I was sitting in class, writing down the week's spellings words, when a bell started ringing incessantly.  It wasn't a fancy 'fire alarm bell' like they have mounted on walls - it was a hand bell.  The principal then started shouting 'FIRE!!!  FIRE!!!' and a stampede of students ensued.

In my panicked 6 year old brain, I figured that the wisest thing to do in this situation was to save my Mickey Mouse lunchbox so I'd at least have something to eat before I burned to death; but as I ran to get my lunchbox, my teacher grabbed me and made sure I left the classroom with her.  I then had to follow everyone out to the playing field, without my lunchbox, expecting to see the school engulfed in flames.  I was crying my eyes out, and the confusion of the lack of fire around the school when everyone kept shouting 'FIRE!!!' made me cry even harder.

I started hyperventilating until they told us that this had been a drill and that we had performed amiably.  We were then told to go back to our classrooms, but instead I freaked out and demanded to be taken to the office so I could call my mom.  Twenty minutes later, my mom picked me up and I got to go home early.

Moral of the story?  1. Fire drills are scary shit, and 2. if you throw enough of a tantrum, you can get out of school for just about anything.

Steps to Success: Teeny Boppers

Here's another installment in the 'Steps to Success' franchise.  Its target market is annoying pre-teen and teen girls, because let's face it: they are often more annoying than waking up with 'Macarena' stuck in your head.

Read this and your life will be significantly less lame!

Let's see what the back cover has to say:
'Do you feel as though you haven't quite graduated to the level of 'peopledom'?  Do you feel like you constantly have to prove yourself, and the validity of your opinions, to those around you?  Well, it's probably because it's true - you do have to prove yourself because you're not a real person....YET!  With this book's guidance, you'll be ready to act like a real person in no time!
Follow easy steps, such as:

• Try not to like awful things (sparkling vampires and teen pop sensations in particular).
• If you must like such awful things, keep your obsession to a minimum and restrict your fangirl tendencies to a single shrine in your closet.
• Being a bitch does not make you a mature woman - it just makes you a bitch.
• Ugg boots, sweatpants and a hoodie aren't fashionable.  They just aren't.
• The fact that you have breasts does not make you cooler - the sooner you learn that, the better.'

Hopefully the annoying teen girls of the world will buy this non-existent book and the world's future will brighten.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day here in Canada, and as a result, I now feel like a wild Snorlax.  But instead of sleeping off all of the extra calories I have ingested in the past 24 hours and going into hibernation for the next 3 years, I have to leave my house and function like a real person.

The main problem with Thanksgiving is that they give you this long weekend in preparation for the big feast, but then they expect you to be completely normal right after.  Instead of giving me the long weekend in anticipation for Thanksgiving, they should give me both Thanksgiving Day and the day after off - that way, I have time to digest and cease being a Snorlax.  Why? Because sweatpants aren't work-appropriate and I don't feel like spending my money on work clothes that fit my post-Thanksgiving Day self, so I feel I should be given a day to get back to my original size.  (note: this proposed day of getting back to normal size will probably include nothing but sleeping late and watching Tyra Show re-runs)

I wonder if sweatpants sales spike right around Thanksgiving?  I'm willing to bet that they do....

Top 5 Chick Flicks

Here are my top 5 favourite chick flicks (in no particular order):

1.   
2.   
3.   
4.   
5.  

Hahahaha! (In case you're wondering, I don't regret making this post.)

Being Awkward

I think it's hilarious when I end up doing awkward things, but I'm beginning to see that not everyone shares my enthusiasm for social awkwardness. 

The other day, I was at a bookstore and two ladies were talking right beside me as I was reading the back of the book I was considering buying.  I had my sunglasses on my head, and one of the ladies said - quite generally - "Oh my god! I love your glasses!" The other lady didn't reply, so I figured they were talking to me;  I then turned around and smiled at them broadly, ready to thank them for the compliment.  The other lady then said, "Oh thank you, Maggie. I just got them."  My smile suddenly seemed pervy and I turned back to my book while they stared at me for a good five minutes.

Another good example of my awkwardness is when I was in England, waiting for my train to arrive;  I saw a train arrive and so I got up, ready to board the closest compartment.  The train was actually 2 tracks over, so I was stepping towards an empty platform, and a kid on the train saw this and pointed me out to his family while laughing at me.  I immediately yelled out - to no one in particular - "LOL JK!" and sat back down.  I laughed forever after that, yet no one else thought it was funny. 

I think everyone should relax and realize that social awkwardness is always an excellent source of hilarity, and should therefore embrace it with arms wide open. (OMG I think I just got points for making a Creed reference!)

Tissues

Don't you just hate it when you have a cold and your nose is runny and you're using tissues like a junkie uses crack?  The worst part about this scenario is that your nose gets all red and irritated, and whenever tissue comes anywhere near it, it's as if an alarm has gone off inside your nervous system.  Your nerve endings start screaming, "ZOMG, DUCK AND COVER!" because it feels like the flames of hell are licking at your super sensitive nostrils.

It's pretty much the worst thing ever. 

That's why whoever pitched the idea for tissue with lotion built in should get a Nobel prize - they have pretty much saved the world from me going on a tirade due in part to my inflamed nostrils.  That person must be in Mensa or something, for realz.

I bet him and the guy responsible for tissue with Vicks built in chill out together on the weekends. Lotion-tissue guy is all, "Hey, come over", and the Vicks-tissue dude complies and brings pizza to Lotion's house.  Then they chill in a jacuzzi filled with money instead of water, while they scarf down beer and Hawaiian pizza.

The lucky fuckers.

How To Spot a Bad Idea

There are some times in life when you think of something to do and you become convinced that this is an amazing idea that must be carried out by any means necessary!  Sometimes these ideas prove to be quite wonderful, while others prove to be a fountain of both embarrassment for you and schadenfreude for everyone else.

I know what you're thinking; you're thinking, "If only there was a way that I could get Giselle's opinion on every idea I have, so I can see if it's worth carrying out or not."  I am a very busy person and cannot listen to everyone's ideas (I mean, then I wouldn't have time for acting on my own dumb ideas), and so I have drawn up a very helpful flowchart to aid you in the critical process of deciding which ideas are crap and which are worthwhile.


I highly recommend that you print out this flowchart and keep it about your person so that you may constantly have my guidance with you.  I think you'll find that my guidance is priceless!

Exploding Head Syndrome

There's this epic-sounding condition called Exploding Head Syndrome, and I didn't even make it up!  I forget how I initially found out about it, but I do remember that I freaked out upon finding out that it actually exists.  I mean, that name alone is just so cool (I was going to say it's 'mind-blowing', but I'm a bit more highbrow than that....sometimes).

I imagined that this condition was this esoteric affliction that caused the sufferer's head to explode with Hollywood-like gore whenever they were under too much pressure.  This would be an excellent way to get out of a multitude of undesirable events:
Don't want to go on that blind date? Use Exploding Head Syndrome as your scapegoat!  Don't feel like showing up for your finals?  Tell your teacher your head is likely to explode at any moment! 
Don't want to do the dishes?  Throw a tantrum in front of your loved ones and hold your head threateningly until they are so panic-stricken that they will give in and never ask you to do the dishes ever again! 

It's fool-proof!  Except not really.

The bad news is that the name doesn't do the condition justice - in reality, Exploding Head Syndrome is a condition wherein the sufferer hears loud noises (eg. explosions, gun shots, voices/screams, etc.) about an hour or two after falling asleep.  That's it.

I prefer my version, thank you very much!

Stickers & Bubbles

I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who, as a child, was obsessed with stickers and bubbles.  I had sticker books filled to bursting, and I had all sorts of wands for blowing bubbles.  The prospect of getting a test back with a sticker on it made my heart race, and the thought of there being a new bubble-blowing kit in the house made me hyper.  There was hardly any problem that either a sticker or a bubble couldn't fix:

• Have to get a shot at the doctor's office? Seek the help of stickers and bubbles!

• Bored out of your mind? Some stickers and bubbles might help!

• Didn't study for your test?  Umm.....give yourself a sticker and blow some bubbles when you get home from school!

 It's remarkable to contrast that way of thinking with how I am now; I mean, stickers and bubbles are still pretty cool, but it's not like I'm a monkey on crack when my mom tries to bribe me to do something with either stickers or bubbles (or both).  To be honest, I kind of miss that level of enthusiasm, but at the same time, I know that that enthusiasm has been redirected to other things in my life.  

Plus, it's going to be awesome if/when I have kids and I get to see them freak out over stickers and bubbles.  (Who are we kidding? I'll probably take their stickers and bubble kits when they're not looking.)

Interrobang

I recently found out about this little-known punctuation mark called the 'interrobang'.  No, it is not a lamely named porno involving investigators, a suspect, and an interrogation room.  Instead, it's a combination of a question mark and an exclamation point. 

So when you're texting your roommate, furious that your ice cream is missing, instead of saying, "Where is my ice cream, loser?!  I will use your DVDs as mulch for the garden if you don't answer me!", you can use the interrobang to replace the '?!'.  I feel this will efficiently convey your level of frustration with the mystery of your missing ice cream, and it will also add a level of enthusiasm previously unparalleled by the use of the two separate punctuation marks.

What else makes the interrobang amazing?  The fact that it is also known as the 'quesclamation mark'.  I'll give you a minute to let the awesomeness sink in.


Epic, isn't it?