|QUICK! Guess the connection between these three objects.|
Stilettos in winter, diabetic desserts, and algorithms. These all have one thing in common: I don't comprehend their usefulness. I understand that some people need to look fierce in the middle of February, that some people can't have properly delicious sweets, and that I have to wikipedia 'algorithms' to remember what I learnt in grade 12. I understand this and I appreciate it, because lord knows I still don't get why anybody would want any of these things in their lives.
HOWEVER, there are a few things I don't -- and probably never will -- understand. One of these things is 'vaguebooking'. Vaguebooking is that supremely annoying Facebook-specific phenomenon found in the status updates of the truly lonely and cowardly.
A typical vaguebook status refers to an unidentified person or event, and reads like a cliffhanger. Eg: 'Omg, when will this all be over?'
Also popular is the ubiquitous passive-aggressive vaguebook where a status attempts to call somebody out without providing any of the essential information. Eg: 'You never should have done that, you bitch. You're scum and you know it -- you know I'm talking about you!'
Any comments left on a vaguebook status are usually met with two reactions from the vaguebook-er:
1. hostility and a well-written request for the commenter to eff off.
2. feigned flattery and a promise to fill the interested parties in on the gossip the next time they meet.
At first glance, a vaguebook status update seems like a half-assed or rushed update where the author of such an update was too busy to fill everyone in on the crap details of their life. On a deeper level, though, the vaguebook status is a simple cry for attention.
People will often rebut by saying something to the effect of "I don't share my private life with everyone". This would be a perfectly reasonable explanation to give to any busy-body, except for one thing: YOU POSTED THIS ON FACEBOOK. Facebook is not a private journal, nor is it a secure forum. It is a public website on which members of your friends list can view anything you post.
If you're like me and are nearly driven mad by the overwhelming amounts of vaguebooking occurring on your news feed, feel free to use any of the following tactics (or combine them for a variety of comedic gold):
1. block repeat offenders from your feed
2. conduct regular 'spring cleanings' on your friends list
3. troll vaguebook status updates like a champ for the lulz.