Miss Frizzle

As a kid growing up in the 90s, it was rather hard to eschew the amazing show The Magic School Bus.  Part and parcel of this effortlessly entertaining and educational program was the frizzy-haired teacher, aptly named Miss Frizzle.

Miss Frizzle was the driving force of the show, as she was the one who brought it upon herself to guide her pupils through awe-inspiring field trips.  Her field trips took kids through deep space one week, and into the Earth's core the next week.  At one point, she even took her students on a guided tour through the innards of an ailing classmate, guys!  In a word, Miss Frizzle is the ultimate.  She is what most teachers aspire to be, and she is the teacher all of us wished really existed.

And yet, among all of this perfection of hers, there is one glaring imperfection.  She has one blemish that mars every positive she had going for her, and it is her annoyingly false catchphrase.  'As I always say...' is always heard before the close of an episode of Magic School Bus, and it is invariably followed by a phrase that has never been uttered by Frizzle.

I have no problems with her claiming to state phrases that she uses in her outside life -- teachers are allowed to have lives outside of the classroom, I know -- but it's the fact that these phrases are never mentioned in the parameters of the show itself.  As far as we know, Miss Frizzle has never said such a phrase before, nor will she ever repeat it.  This makes such a claim a complete lie, and makes for a program that would really annoy me as a kid.  

There were times when I'd anticipate Frizzle uttering her signature phrase, and I'd hit the mute button.  Other times, I'd simply change the channel once she had so confidently uttered this lie of a catchphrase, because I couldn't tolerate her telling young kids such boldfaced atrocities.  I mean, really, Miss Frizzle!  You're a paragon of education, a purveyor of truth -- shouldn't you feel just a little bit compelled to tell your audience whether or not you truly 'always say' something?

However, if you still have that magical bus kicking around, I'm totally interested in borrowing it sometime.  I have lots of trips in mind, and I wouldn't mind a hook-up, girrrrl!

How to Not Be a Social Retard

The awkward kid: there's always one in every class, guaranteed.  Whether they have a penchant for asking inane questions during lectures, or they feel compelled to wear the same outfit every single day, one thing remains the same: they make classes unnecessarily crappy.  This year, one of my classmates is mindbogglingly awkward.  Like, Michael Cera multiplied by a googol.

For demonstrative purposes, I've done up an equation for y'all:

Prompted by this one extremely awkward classmate of mine, I feel compelled to give a crash course in social etiquette to any and all interested.  I like to call this little crash course 'How to Not Be a Social Retard'.  Let's get started, shall we?


Tip #1: Don't hide under your desk in the middle of class
Unless there is an immediate threat in your classroom, OR you just watched 'Duck and Cover' and are feeling a bit of topical humour coursing through your veins, don't hide under your desk in the middle of class.  The confusion which spreads throughout the room when you do this either disrupts the lesson or interrupts students' naps.  Either way, it's damn annoying, and it shouldn't be happening in the first place.


Tip #2: Don't divulge personal information, mid-lecture...or ever
George Wallace was correct in saying, 'You know who cares less about your problems?  Everybody.'  Teachers are like everyone else....which means that they definitely don't care about your problems.  With that in mind, it is definitely not ok to pipe up mid-lecture to tell the instructor about your 'crazy' weekend filled with Jenga and cat-snuggling.  To tell if someone will be annoyed with your interruption, ask yourself this one preliminary question: will anybody else care about this anecdote?
If the answer is 'no', please keep your damn hand down and continue taking notes or daydreaming about dragons or whatever else you do to pass time in class.

Tip #3: Know when to take a hint
I've come across many, many awkward kids in my life, and one unifying theme with all of them seems to be the fact that they can't read social cues.  Guys, if your fellow classmates groan whenever you put your hand up in class, something about you needs to change.
Peers avoiding you in the hallways?  Maybe you should look into being less....you.
Nobody laughing at your lamesauce jokes made in the middle of learning about quadratic equations?  Laugh to yourself and continue your life as though nothing of the sort happened.


Awkward kids, I understand your pressing need for attention (hello, I blog!), but there are so many other worthy options for getting this attention.  Why don't you join the drama club, or learn to play Dungeons & Dragons?  All I'm asking is that you find some other channel for your severe awkwardness, so that I may be spared the frustration of having to deal with you on a daily basis.


Hopefully, if you follow my advice, you won't end up like this girl: