Vaguebooking

QUICK!  Guess the connection between these three objects.

Stilettos in winter, diabetic desserts, and algorithms.  These all have one thing in common: I don't comprehend their usefulness.  I understand that some people need to look fierce in the middle of February, that some people can't have properly delicious sweets, and that I have to wikipedia 'algorithms' to remember what I learnt in grade 12. I understand this and I appreciate it, because lord knows I still don't get why anybody would want any of these things in their lives.


HOWEVER, there are a few things I don't -- and probably never will -- understand.  One of these things is 'vaguebooking'.  Vaguebooking is that supremely annoying Facebook-specific phenomenon found in the status updates of the truly lonely and cowardly.

A typical vaguebook status refers to an unidentified person or event, and reads like a cliffhanger.  Eg: 'Omg, when will this all be over?'
Also popular is the ubiquitous passive-aggressive vaguebook where a status attempts to call somebody out without providing any of the essential information.  Eg: 'You never should have done that, you bitch.  You're scum and you know it -- you know I'm talking about you!'


Any comments left on a vaguebook status are usually met with two reactions from the vaguebook-er:
1. hostility and a well-written request for the commenter to eff off.
2. feigned flattery and a promise to fill the interested parties in on the gossip the next time they meet.


At first glance, a vaguebook status update seems like a half-assed or rushed update where the author of such an update was too busy to fill everyone in on the crap details of their life.  On a deeper level, though, the vaguebook status is a simple cry for attention.


People will often rebut by saying something to the effect of "I don't share my private life with everyone".  This would be a perfectly reasonable explanation to give to any busy-body, except for one thing: YOU POSTED THIS ON FACEBOOK.  Facebook is not a private journal, nor is it a secure forum.  It is a public website on which members of your friends list can view anything you post.


If you're like me and are nearly driven mad by the overwhelming amounts of vaguebooking occurring on your news feed, feel free to use any of the following tactics (or combine them for a variety of comedic gold): 
1. block repeat offenders from your feed
2. conduct regular 'spring cleanings' on your friends list
3. troll vaguebook status updates like a champ for the lulz.

The Trouble with Thick Accents

I love being around people of different nationalities -- our differences help to make the world more colourful and entertaining.  I mean, think about it: the world would be a rather boring and monotonous place if we were all the same, and accents play a huge role in this.  Accents are a pretty wicked phenomena -- granted, of course, you have an accent that people can understand.


The worst is when someone with a super thick accent is stuck on their words and keeps trying to make their point by reiterating the exact same words that they were originally stuck on.  Saying the same thing over and over never helps, nor does raising your volume, as is exhibited here:

It's the same as if I were to start running a marathon, only to realize that my shoelaces were untied.  To continue the marathon without remedying this problem would be silly and would severely impede my success in the marathon.  And yet I foolishly persevere, and when I inevitably trip and fall, I'll have no one but myself to blame.  


That's what it's like, you guys -- people who have thick accents will trip over their laces and fall on their faces in a marathon if they don't perfect the English language.  Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Worse still is when someone who has a thick accent and a loose grip on the English language continually chimes in during any and all conversations.  Perhaps they're trying to impress those present with their masterful use of the language thus far, or maybe they just really want attention.  However, this immediately slows the speed of the transpiring banter and puts people to sleep.  It's like their words are verbal chloroform, or if their communication skills were a Jigglypuff.


Stress is instantly placed on those around them because so much work is now involved in deciphering what the hell they're attempting to say.  Suddenly, everyone around them wonders why subtitles in real life don't exist already.


In short, I propose that we get a petition going to start work on developing  real life subtitles.  I mean come on, Apple!  You made thousands of songs fit in the butt pocket of my jeans -- subtitles for the people I don't understand should surely be on the horizon, right?

Inadvertent Compliments

If you find yourself starved for attention -- or simply in dire need of a hearty dose of adoration -- action must be taken in the form of seeking an inadvertent compliment!  

If you can't find your very own Regina George to falsely flatter you in such times, please read the following advice.

Inadvertent compliments may not be the most reliable way to obtain your desired amount of confidence boosters, but they surely are a more attractive method than the dreaded 'fishing for compliments' approach (leave your fishing rod in the closet with all of your junior high outfits and gold stilettos, please and thanks!).


Inadvertent compliments are, really, quite straight forward in theory -- their secret lies in knowing when and where to decipher and obtain the appropriate compliment at hand.  It is also critical to know how to spot the difference between inadvertent compliments and 'dressed up insults'.


Say, for example, that your ex-boyfriend sees you at the mall as you're chatting up the cute guy at Booster Juice (because, hello, those smoothies are expensive and discounts are always  welcome).  If your dreaded ex stops and says, "That skirt makes you look like a whore -- no wonder I left you!', that is NOT an inadvertent compliment.  


However, if he had said, "That skirt makes you look like a whore -- one who is so classy that she charges for mere conversations!", then you would have yourself an inadvertent compliment.  Why?  Because he basically told you that you are a classy broad, and is clearly too jealous to come out and say that you look awesome (or maybe he secretly is coveting your skirt.  It's too soon to tell, I think).


Now, sometimes your need for adoration may simply overpower you, causing you to seek inadvertent compliments in places where they simply do not exist.  Fear not, for it's way easier to overlook fishing for inadvertent compliments than to fish for compliments of the ordinary strain.


As Miss Frizzle always says, 'When in doubt, blatantly seek an inadvertent compliment.'