Give the Gift of Auto-tune

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this aspiration of mine, but I would really really love to have my speech enhanced by the technological inflections unique to the overuse of auto-tune.


Just think about it: even the most menial jobs could be improved tenfold by having an auto-tuned voice, and everything you say could instantly have a billion street cred points.


Happy was the day when I found this gem in a toy store a month ago:

It's been said that the T-Pain mic is going to be one of the top 'must have' toys for Christmas 2011, and for good reason!  Having an auto-tuned voice at any moment of the day has its practical uses, too, such as:

1. Making Shakespeare fun for kids.  Does your 7 year old refuse to memorize the soliloquies from Hamlet or Twelfth Night?  Simply put the T-Pain mic in their hands, and watch as their appreciation for Elizabethan theatre GROW!
   
2. Making spirituality interesting.  Do you often find yourself suppressing a boredom-induced yawn in the middle of a prayer devoted to your chosen deity?  I bet that that would never happen if you were to use the T-Pain mic whilst verbalizing your offerings (and confessing your sins) to your god(s)!
   
3. Raising the ratings for your high-profile cooking show.  I know the feeling: your ratings are slipping, and your usual display of culinary know-how just isn't cutting it these days.  Do you know what you need?  Probably better recipe ideas and a more relatable public persona.  BUT the T-Pain mic just might help a little bit, too (I mean, who the hell doesn't want to watch a cooking show in which brownie recipes are delivered in an electronic voice associated with rappers?)

So....to make things short, if you need to do any last minute shopping (especially if you need to buy a last minute gift for me), look no further than the T-Pain mic.  After all, we could all use more street cred in our lives!

Christmas Pressies for All!

As a broke student, I sympathize with those who are having a hard time finding affordable gifts for their loved ones this holiday season.  I find that it really helps to set a budget and stick to it, regardless of how awesome that one Dalek alarm clock is. 

 Mind you, this limiting budget is simply the maximum of what you'd be allowing yourself to spend on each person.  If you happen to find a do-able gift for your fantastically annoying brother-in-law for $2 at the dollar store, by all means, have at it (just make sure that you take the price tag off prior to wrapping the present).

My limit this year (as with most years) is $25 for family members, and $20 for friends.  

If you find yourself staring glass-eyed at the various shops in the malls, anticipating a nervous breakdown from the stress of buying gifts for others, fear not!  I've compiled a list of very funny helpful gift suggestions for $25 (or less) to save you from your gift-giving rut.

For Your Significant Other

What better way to spread the love than by giving your beloved a plush model of the Herpes virus?  You'll get bonus points if, on the gift tag, you write 'Herpes is forever -- just like our love.'

For the Crash Dieter

  If you are acquainted with a frequent crash dieter, you're probably constantly regaled with comments such as 'Oh my godddd, I am so fat!' and 'I would kill for a piece of chocolate right now'.  If this is the case, this gift will probably be viewed as a god-send.  For $7, your loved one can adequately get her chocolate fix without any of those pesky calories -- which is perfect, since she's probably getting ready to start the cayenne pepper diet as soon as the leftovers from Christmas day are cleared out of the fridge.

For the Classy Drunk

Whether they're a broke student, stressed and indulgent parent, or a sassy sophisticate, one thing remains: you  probably have at least one classy drunk on your list.  This glass fits an entire bottle of wine, thereby allowing your classy drunk to avoid judgment when people ask pesky questions such as 'Haven't you had enough for one night?' or 'Back for more?'

For Everybody Else on your List

I don't know about you, but I often find myself wondering what ice cream would taste like if I were en route to Jupiter.  Pay close attention to those loved ones on your shopping list in the coming weeks.  If they  say something to the effect of, "I really wish I could eat like an astronaut without ever having to leave my house," I suggest that you promptly order him or her this awesome space food smorgasbord.

If you need more gift-giving inspiration, you can totally consult my helpful list from last year. Just remember: giftcards are never ok...they just show that you're a lazy bum.